People assume that because I laugh a lot, and seem to have deep answers delivered in a confident voice, that I am strong and assured and self-confidant.
They also assume that I believe I have all the answers, and that I believe I know exactly what and why I am doing what I do.
I have been envied, and hated, and wondered at. People assume I am callous when I don’t cry or call. That I am selfish when I refuse to share in others problems. That I don’t care.
People assume that because I don’t keep in touch, I don’t care.
That because I don’t talk, I don’t care.
That because I say the wrong words, those words define who I am.
What they don’t see is how I break down and cry when their backs are turned.
How I utter words in confidence for the sake of appearances.
How I drown my self in everyday cares, in my own life, because, well damn it! My life is hard too! Just because I don’t come crying on your shoulder does not mean I don’t have cares or worries or heartaches of my own.
I have a very limited ability to handle raw emotions. I just can’t do it. My life is tough! And yes damn it! I’ve built my walls damn fucking high to save myself from getting hurt.
I’ve tried my fucking hardest to be open and accepting. But sometimes things cross a line. And when that line gets crossed, I break myself off, and add more bricks to the wall, to build them higher and thicker and stronger.
Yes, that means that I can’t let them in to lean on their shoulder. I know that. But damn it, how hard have they ever tried? Really?
Lies pour forth from lips with such ease, that they erode away all love.
Emotions get tangled up in appearances. I sometimes don’t do what I am supposed to because I fear that it won’t work? There’s no use? I just can’t.
My life is good. Not because it is, but because if I refuse to believe it is so, I just might pop a few pills, and leave. So I work damn hard to make sure that life is good.
That is how I will see it.
That is how it will be.
Addendum: No, this is not just aimed at you. It’s for both of you, the three of you too, and all of you in the corner over there.
Addendum: No, this is not just aimed at you. It’s for both of you, the three of you too, and all of you in the corner over there.
Disjoint Wisdom 